Gingerly Raw
by XxPorcelainKnightXx
Summary: "…There are just time when I want to sit there and convince myself that I exist, you know?…Because I feel that if I don't, I might start crying… Because what's the point of being there if you're not good for existing?" Angst AU WARNING: Character abuse/rape ONESHOT


"…There are just time when I want to sit there and convince myself that I exist, you know?" Dick said calmly from the floor in front of the bed, voice with no real tone, nor volume since it was just himself and his brother. His eyes were red and bloodshot. "…Because I feel that if I don't, I might start crying… Because what's the point of being there if you're not good for existing?" Jason snorted. "I can give you an entire lecture on that one." He said, packing his cigarettes in their pack against a small nightstand, logo upside down, making a rhythmic clicking noise. "…Then you know where I'm coming from. Sometimes being Robin is just so painful I don't know what to do…" He looked down at his hands, cream colored skin with a slightly sun kissed tone to it, almost as if the sun was worried about going too far in its advances towards him.

"Then you stop being Robin." He declared coldly, still packing lightly against the table as not to break his precious cancer sticks. He kept staring at his hands as if they weren't his. "…You know what I mean. It's something that latches on and becomes a part of you… Yeah, I'm Nightwing now, but some part of me will always be Robin…" He stopped packing, assuming of his own accord as well as previous experience of doing it so often that they were perfectly fine to smoke now.

He opened the packaged, removing the ironically silver lining and pulled a lighter from his pocket, putting a cigarette to his lips and sucking in on it as he set it on fire. Once lit, he let the lighter's flame die and put it back in its resting place, breathing out. "…Yeah… I guess so… It's just not something you can get rid of." He admitted. He stayed standing in the small room, opposed from Dick as to not bother him with the smoke. "I mean, being Robin wasn't all that bad, it's just what came with it…" He exhaled, letting him continue, the silence being his own form of agreement, of his form of showing he was actually listening to him. "I'm okay with all of the flips and the kicks, it's… It's everything else… In order to get that title, you basically have to lose something very dear to you… I miss them so much, Jay…" He admitted, his voice cracking.

"…I know… I miss a lotta shit too…" It was his own vague form of relating to the sentiments. "I mean… It was painful… So _**very**_ painful and I didn't have anyone to turn to and say "hey, I'm in pain please listen to me, if only for two second about it"… None of us did… Not with the way Bruce was… Yeah he got it, but because you knew he got it, it was end of discussion after that and not to be brought up since it was us just being repetitive."

He took a drag, letting it out before replying. "Tell me about it- But I get where he's coming from too though. Siting there and saying the same thing in different words or the different effects it had on you isn't going to change the fact that it happened and is done and over with." He watched his brother's hands tense up on themselves. "…But that also doesn't mean you have to sit there and not talk about it, Dick." He felt bad about voicing his opinion, even if he was right about it. "All we really wanted was a pair of ears that heard us was all. After that it would kinda be like an "you already know why I'm crying so just come comfort me" type of deal." Dick nodded slowly, taking, in a royal carriage with guards on each sides, the words to heart. Jason flicked some ashes into the tray.

"…Do you think… If he would of done that… If only once it would have been better?" Jason looked at the wallpaper, forming his own thoughts about the shitty decor. "…Well which one of us would that of been to since it was only "_once_"?" He said if not too harshly, but it didn't bother Dick. It was just how Jason was and there was no real helping it. He was used to his cold nature, but with his warm one they tended to balance out quite properly when alone enough to make sure no one was drowning or steaming from the other. However, he had no real answer… "…Once for each of us…?" He tried. Jason tried another drag on his cigarette. "That's just not how he is and we both know that. If he were to do it once, he'd do it again, and again and be this big ass softy that wasn't capable of being Batman yet alone creating him, therefore we would be _nothing_ to him."

A thought crossed Dick's mind. "…Aren't we kinda already though…? If we were worth more to him, don't you think he would of taken the time to show us those kind of affections if not only once? Even Damian's mother shows him _some_ kind of love in spite of everything she's done." Jason looked over at him, eyes studying his talking subject. "…Why not happy with the attention he's already given you?" Dick stiffened up.

"…You know that's not funny… For any of us." Jason violently grounded the remainders of his cigarette into the ashtray. He walked over to the bed and sat down on the floor next to him. "…Since we're already talking, and since we're talking about being neglected about subjects like this, you want to talk about it?" Dick gently took Jason's hand and held it with both of his, inspecting it like a child would to their parents out of boredom. "…What about you?" Jason watched him play with his hands, tracing the lines and the scars, pressing his fingers to his fingernails to gauge their sharpness.

"…He just pisses me off. I get so _goddamned _pissed off that when I think back on it I go and hit the nearest thing. Now when I died, I didn't… I thought he'd… Yeah I know I was wrong for getting myself into that situation and have the audacity to call myself Robin while doing it but… But he was Batman… He never even let the bad guys die so why was I the exception…?" His voice cracked. "…Oh Jay…" Dick pulled him into a hug. Yeah, he liked to pretend his was reborn of stone, but Dick knew better- he always knew better.

"I just get so angry at him! But not only him, myself too... I just go ballistic if I think too long about it and I just…! I'll even settle for the cheap, Gotham cement until it's nothing left but ash with how upset I get over it! Yeah, I know I was a little pain in the ass but that didn't mean he had to go and… Go and…" Dick ran his hands though his hair. He traced where scars he was aware of were on Jason's back because of Bruce. "Do you know how many times I got hurt because I thought it was okay?!"

It was an unsaid rule among all of the Robins: "Just because someone has it worse doesn't mean that you aren't still in pain- and who's right is it to define the terribleness of it all anyway?"

"I know, Jay… I may not know like you do, but I know… It hurts… Real bad… And sometimes after things like that happen, I'll just lay there on that cold manner floor, completely naked because I don't want anything touching me at all… Nothing touching me not a sheet or a hand or a look or anything… And I'll just listen to my own heartbeat. I'll listen for it and wait for it to calm down… Because if I lay there long enough everything goes numb and calms down- I calm down. …I gotta admit though, I'm jealous of you."

Jason looked up at him confused. "Jealous how?" He said, sniffing, removing all traces of tears. "…Your able to be open with how you feel about what he did… I just sit there and flash everyone smiles…" Jason listened to him, watching his expression, watching his blue eyes fall back down to his hands.

"Don't think just because I don't bottle it in makes it all better… It doesn't…" He admitted. "Just as much as I know that you holding it all in doesn't make it any better." Both being in pain, they could relate… They could painfully relate… "I just…" Dick wanted to keep talking, fill the empty air with words like he always did… But he was at a loss for them now that they had both said what they really needed to.

"…I don't love you as my little brother any less- even if you never feel anything but anger towards anyone." He said to Jason, who sighed and leaned his head on Dick's shoulder. "…I know. And I don't hope you don't get disgusted if I ever show you any type of affection."

"…I sometimes wish I'd never meet Bruce…" Dick admitted, eyes welling up. "Same…" Jason admitted, holding onto Dick's hand, eating at the inside of his lip.  
He was Robin number one, an acrobat; The way he moved his body attracted attention…  
He was Robin number two, an ally cat; He was used to cruelty and being treated rougher only made him coarser.

…And Dick sat there naked on the cold marble floor, holding gingerly onto Jason's hands with knuckles raw and bleeding.


End file.
